What is Abuse? :: The Cycle of Violence 

The cycle of violence occurs in many violent relationships. The cycle can vary in length, possibly spread out over a few hours up to a few months. As the relationship continues the cycle can become more rapid and the intensity of the violence may also increase.

The tension building phase can last from several days to several months. During this time there is no violence. There may be some minor incidences such as throwing an object.

The explosion phase results in an act of violence. The batterer may exhibit an uncontrollable urge to cause harm. This can be pent up tension from the tension building phase.

The honeymoon phase is marked by remorse by the batterer for the violence, promises of never hurting the survivor again or seeking counseling, gifts, and loving companionship.

* Adapted from Dr. Lenore Walker

Phase One: Tension Building

Survivor Feels:

  • Angry

  • Afraid

  • Unfairly treated

  • Embarrassed

  • Hopeless

  • Depressed

  • Tense

  • Confused

  • Humiliated

  • Disgusted 

Survivor’s Behavior:

  • Nurturing

  • Walks on eggshells

  • Compliant

  • Accepting

  • Works to diffuse partner’s anger/frustration

  • May use alcohol or drugs

Perpetrator Feels:

  • Tense

  • Frustrated    

  • Disgusted

  • Angry

  • Jealous

Perpetrator’s Behavior:

  • Verbally abusive

  • Drug & alcohol use

  • Fits of anger

  • Possessive

  • Silent

  • Demanding

  • Controlling

  • Irritable

  • Irrational

  • Jealous

  • Does not allow partner to go to work or school

Child Feels:

  • Afraid

  • Confused

  • Angry at survivor for not “fixing” the problem

Child’s Behavior:

  • Sides with one parent over another

  • Hides

  • Denies

  • Tries to distract

 

Phase Two: Explosion 

Survivor Feels:

  • Frightened

  • Trapped

  • Scared

  • Numb

  • Helpless

 

Survivor’s Behavior:

  • Attempt to protect self

  • May try to get away or seek help

  • May feign unconsciousness

 

Perpetrator Feels:

  • Angry

  • Jealous

  • Frustrated

  • Out of control

 

Perpetrator’s Behavior:

  • Violent

  • Irrational

  • Deliberate desire to harm or kill

  • Out of control

 

Child Feels:

  • Frightened

  • Trapped

  • Helpless

 

Child’s Behavior:

  • May watch helpless

  • May join in on the violence

  • May attempt to stop violence

  • May attempt to help survivor

 

Phase Three: The Honeymoon 

Survivor Feels:

  • Relieved

  • Angry over the incident

  • Hopeful

  • Happy

  • Guilty

 

 Survivor’s Behavior:

  • Offers excuses for batterer     

  • Tries to settle, solve, or prevent future incidents

  • Hopes and believes change will last

 
Perpetrator Feels:

  • Guilty

  • Apologetic

  • Remorseful

  • Forgetful of degree of violence

  • Unable to understand why survivor may be still angry

 

 Perpetrator’s Behavior:

  • Makes promises of change

  • Blames others and survivor

  • May act overly sweet and caring

  • May give survivor

Child Feels:

  • Embarrassed

  • Guilty

  • Humiliated

  • Relieved

  • Angry

 

 Child’s Behavior:

  • Tries to please

  • Nervous

  • Distracts self

  • May exhibit stress behavior

 
 

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